By Jonathan Mellberg
Photos by the author
Photos by the author
I don’t want to understand you, Tesla. But something tells me that one day I’ll have to. Something tells me this isn’t a fad; and in the interest of looking to the future (not to mention attempting to bury some very negative preconceptions) I think a proper introduction is in order.
A cursory glance on Tesla’s website shows Tesla galleries (showrooms), stores, and service centers sprinkled all across the country (save for some yet unpopulated or unpopular areas). Their red icons dot the emerald map like an epidemic of major zero-emissions proportions. I didn’t realize there were already so many places you could buy a car from a company that has only ever offered two models (future Model X and Model 3 notwithstanding). And that’s just in the US; Europe looks even more pock-ish. Only Asia appears barely on the radar, with one store established in both China and Japan (with more on the way). Green Hell, there’s even a Tesla store in Hawaii.
I’d like to take a moment to plow through some of the more subjective aspects about the Tesla, mainly its styling. Yeah, it’s a good looking car, kind of the way the last Hyundai Genesis sedan was a good looking car. But, like the Genesis, should your casual glance linger long enough to lend scrutiny you’d notice the Model S (the four-door model currently on sale) appears to exhibit no defining attributes. For instance, it took me a dozen drive-by glances in seeing the Model S on public roads before I could distinguish it from the current Jaguar XJ’s front end. And the rear end looks like a futuristic version of Mitsubishi’s Gallant (or, very similar to Hyundai’s last-gen Sonata). The Model S’s side profile is the most handsome but it still instills a whiff of cookie-cutter design that leaves it decidedly without a concrete identity. And yes, we all know it’s fully electric, but did they have to fully cap the entire front grill area? It looks like a piece that’s intended to be removed but never is, though I bet it has something to do with the Model S being one of the most aerodynamic cars ever. The Model S belongs in one of those 30-years-from-now futuristic movies where everyone dresses in the same clothes and drives the same cars. But if the present day is anything, it’s diverse, which is why the Model S blends into the crowd so easily. But then again, maybe they designed it that way on purpose. Because no matter how wild the exterior is, it pales to what’s underneath the hood. Wait a minute, what is underneath the hood?
Wherever it lies, the truly exciting personality trait of the Model S is its mode of propulsion. Connected to a hefty, state-of-the-art lithium-ion battery pack, this Tesla drives completely free of fossil fuels. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s fast as hell. The base Model S features a 60-kWh battery pack good for a 208-mile range, 302hp, 0-60mph in 5.9 seconds, and a top speed of 120mph. Upgrade to the 85-kWh battery and your range increases to 265 miles, horsepower increases to 362, 0-60mph times drop by half a second, and the top speed notches up by 5mph. There is also a performance variant of the same 85-kWh battery that does nothing for increasing range but instead dials up the velocity and power: 0-60mph in 4.2 seconds (3.9 seconds according to Motor Trend magazine), 416hp, and a top speed of 130mph. Damn, this thing sounds fast, not to mention fun (despite a hefty 4600 curb weight). Starting prices for each trim/tier level are as such, $69,900, $79,900, and $93,400. Ouch! These prices don’t include the $7500 tax credit and any other credits you may be eligible for; but still…
the 17" do-all touch screen is standard
Innovation really is the muscle behind Tesla’s punch. Everything about the car (aside from its less-than-inspired exterior styling) proudly shouts “Ha! Look at what I can do!” This is evidenced by the Model S’s retractable door handles, its 17” does-everything touch screen, and it’s fully electric powertrain. There’s no “engine start” button (the car just knows), and you can surf the web while driving (obviously not recommended). You can also option the car to include a 3rd row for child seats in the hatch area. Tesla cars can update their software via WIFI while charging at home, no dealer visit required. There are multiple ways and various areas to charge the car, and there are also ways to speed up the charging, including the “Supercharger” charging stations, which are strategically placed along road trip worthy areas, where you can charge a range worth 170 miles in 30 minutes. Oh yeah, and the Superchargers are free (after your Model S is appropriately equipped).
Back to the website; gosh-dangit if this isn’t the coolest auto website I’ve ever been on then I don’t know what is. Teslamotors.com is fully armed with all the info one needs to learn more about their brand and ascertain whether E-travel is really for you. The website is loaded with FAQ’s and really knows what the public must be thinking and asking themselves. After spending what probably equated to hours on the site, I can’t really think of anything else to ask that could be answered by Tesla, such as “How’s this thing gonna hold up ten years from now…” That line of questioning remains academic at best; for now.
But what about real-world experience? For that I again used the magnificent Tesla website. I found a link to schedule a test drive. I filled in the basic info and off the request went. About an hour later I received a phone call. My iPhone said the number originated from Palo Alto(CA)… I wonder who this could be? And within five minutes a very nice gentleman had my test drive scheduled.
the Tesla Model S key/fob
Within a couple days it was a beautiful Friday afternoon, and I took an extended lunch break to drive down to my local Tesla dealer (and by local I mean the only one in the six-state area; lucky for me it wasn’t even ten miles from work) to see what this Model S was really all about. Finding the dealer was not unlike finding a needle in a haystack. The Tesla “dealer” (if that’s what you want to call it) it very inconspicuously nestled within a lackluster industrial park. You’re sure to spot semi tractors loading their trailers before seeing a silent Tesla roll by. But I finally found the Tesla Dealer; its front facade represented by one all-glass, tall garage door, with the Tesla sign above it (the service entrance was on a different wall around the corner). Out front sat no other inventory than two Model S demo vehicles. There is no ready supply of Tesla vehicles to choose from. If you like it, you order it. That’s it.
The interior of the Tesla store was not unlike an Apple store: sparse, white, quiet, and clean. A young man named J.P. approached me and proceeded to give me a one-on-one tour of their show floor example: a Tesla Model S Sport Plus (the best, fastest, and most expensive Model S to choose from). Most of what he showed me I already knew. But a few of the new bits of info were: the car features only two buttons in the entire vehicle, one for the glove box and one for the hazard lights. All (and I mean all) other functions are controlled by the giant 17” touchscreen, from steering heft, to making phone calls, to a back-up camera which you can leave on permanently while driving (like a second rearview mirror). I also learned know to use the Wii-like charging wand with the car. Nifty. I learned that there is a front trunk as well as a rear trunk. I learned that the car had optional Nappa leather. Cool.
fully digital dashboard screen
And then it was time to drive. After brief instructions on how to start the car (yes, they are needed), I turned the vehicle ON with J.P. in the passenger seat. The electric motor makes nary a sound. The vehicle is simply on. The dash lights up, as does the massive touch screen. Using the stubby little arm on the steering wheel column I shift into drive and away we roll. Up until this point there isn’t anything wholly different about this car. I’ve driven a few hundred Prius vehicles before and I know how silent propulsion feels. We pull out onto a frontage road and J.P. encourages me come to a complete stop. “Punch it,” he says, so I do. Holy cow! Damn, is this thing fast! No muss, no fuss, just instant grip and a seemingly unstoppable surge of pure electric torque marches us down the straight with alarming velocity. Sure, it may “only” go 0-60mph in 5.4 seconds, but I’ve never felt 5.4 seconds come so quickly. Whoooo-wee! From then on it’s all about the acceleration, which for me is by far the Tesla’s greatest character trait. Not the 17” touch screen, and certainly not the zero-emissions carbon foot print. Without the amusement park ride acceleration, the Tesla would be nothing more than a unique, fancy car. But with its speed it becomes the king of sleepers; how often do you think it’s approached at a stop light by some gas-revving butthead in a Honda Civic Si expecting to serve the Tesla its humiliation papers, only to have the Tesla (very quietly) leave the Honda in its rearview mirror. Probably a lot.
Of course, I’m probably missing the point of owning a Tesla. This became apparent to me when J.P. fully confessed he wasn’t a car guy upon uttering “the gasoline engine is just so antiquated”. (Excuse me?!) I just smiled and agreed; after all, I wasn’t there to pick a fight. There is no fight. Gas-fed motor cars surely account for 99.99% of all autos ever created. And gas is going nowhere soon. Does the Tesla making a compelling argument? You bet it does: zero emissions, immediate and substantial power, luxurious accommodations, sports car-like handling, and an ample warranty to boot? Where’s the downside? Other than a $70K asking price, there is none, unless you believe charging your car for 6 hours every 300 miles isn’t your definition of an inconvenience (Superchargers aside: we all know that most Tesla owners won’t be close enough to any of these locations to routinely charge their autos each time they’re low on juice).
Is the Tesla Model S amazing? Absolutely. Do I want one? Sure; if this were another world, and I were another Mellberg. It’s true that the silent surge of instantaneous torque has a very Tron-like attraction. But then I think back to this summer’s Car Craft experience, where my wife recorded all these magnificent, loud, and fully gas-powered muscle cars as they obnoxiously rumbled by us on the streets. And it’s then I realize there’s nothing I want more than that.
But, ask me again in ten years and we’ll see if my answer changes…
-Thank you for reading The Wheelspin Journal-
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