by Jonathan Mellberg
Despite my fervent hatred of how snow cripples my -and
everyone else’s- commute, I’ll proudly admit that Christmas is my favorite time
of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I love summer; and while the fourth of July seems
like the favorable alternative, there is something about the Christmas season that
generates a feeling of warmth. For the record, it’s not the plunging
temperatures and the layered blankets of falling, frozen water.
This year, Christmas holds even more significance. It’ll be Tate
and I’s first holiday in our new house, but more importantly, our first Christmas
with our new daughter. By December 24th, little Jane will still have
that new car smell (aka yummy baby scent), and I can’t wait to show her this
snow.
Today, November 10, 2014, was a bit rough. As this season’s
introductory snowfall, Mother Nature not only graced us with her presence, she took a big ol’ dump of crystalline h2o all over the
Minneapolis metro area (and the rest of the state, though as they are outside
my normal commuting radius, Minnesota's remaining 85,367 square miles don't really matter). Our little town of
Dayton was no less unscathed. My wife, the ever-industrious, home-making helper
she is, shoveled twice before I even got home, whereupon I shoveled a third
time. This came after a nine hour shift at work which began with me leaving
home at 4:45 AM. And the fun didn’t end there; my part-time job meant striking
out again in the evening, twenty miles west to Monticello. Helluva day to be on
the roads.
https://www.bing.com/images/search?pq=snow&sc=8-4&sp=-1&sk=&q=snow&qft=+filterui:license-L1&FORM=R5IR38#view=detail&id=B4ECB73522216C4C5F074D23CA3D8A9F6A154B95&selectedIndex=171
The commute could be better, though. I’m not intimidated by
weather. Aside from a tornado marching toward my direction, Mother Nature
doesn’t scare me, least of all snow. It’s everyone else that gives me the
willies, all those bumbling buffoons out there who annually showcase their poor
skills and judgment, commencing their vehicular ham-handedness at the first
sign of flurried snowflakes. Permit me, if you will, to rail against thine
blight, if only for a bit.
https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=snow%20falling&qs=n&form=QBIR&pq=snow%20falling&sc=8-12&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&id=73330C9F0AC98B8E7C427FFF6F60F3BBEEF6E8FD&selectedIndex=3
Beef #1: Memory wipe
Yes, we’re all rookie drivers in this year’s first snowfall.
Yet somehow -as if we were all Dell laptops- Minnesota drivers seem to wipe
their memory of all past Snowbelt experience. We’ve all heard that water cooler
chatter that goes something like “first snow of the year and everyone forgets
how to drive”. So sad, and so true.
https://www.bing.com/images/search?pq=snow+fall&sc=8-9&sp=-1&sk=&sid=817C68C09A9944488312817B7715CA4F&jsoncbid=8&q=snow+fall&qft=+filterui:license-L1&FORM=R5IR38#view=detail&id=5A2081D428B865D7511F8CC84E18DB236A28F6DF&selectedIndex=58
Beef #2: Amplifier drivers
Inclement weather always seems to bring out the widest
spectrum of peculiar driving, and powder-coated highways and byways are no
exception. Slow drivers are even slower; mostly grammas and grandpas and other
oblivious Sunday drivers. You’ll find these peoples' caution dramatically
dialed up. While everyone is marching along those shitty, snowy commutes at
30mph, these folks are strolling along at around 15-20mph. It’s no crime,
granted. But there is something to be said for effectively and efficiently
trudging through crappy weather, especially when you’re one of thousands
sharing the road. But these types don’t upset me nearly as much as their polar
opposites. You’d be as quick to recognize them as me, the types who rocket past
you at ludicrous speeds. Most commonly found to be driving trucks, often with
big tires, loud exhaust, raised suspension, and painfully obvious Napoleon
complexes, these chaps are even less intelligent. Ice is still ice, even in a
big truck; and no one is immune to its effects. If you’re really lucky, you’ll
sometimes catch these fools buried in the ditch two miles down the road, and
you can smile and wave as you pass them, driving at saner speeds.
https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=cars%20in%20snow&qs=n&form=QBIR&pq=cars%20in%20snow&sc=8-11&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&id=9A1FDC1B61FF9E2D0D98361DDC81C2B2872B44D7&selectedIndex=17
Beef #3: 1,000,000,000 candlelight headlamps
Curiously enough, America has the most restrictive
tolerances concerning how bright headlights are allowed to be; both Europe and
Japan allow for much brighter levels. Frankly, sometimes it still seems too
bright. I have to pick on trucks again for this one. You’ve seen these big rigs
(no, not semi tractors) who not only have bright headlights, but impossibly
bright fog lights as well. It’s like a wall of light hurling toward you (a close encounter of the annoying kind). What’s worse are those who retrofit their cars and trucks
with aftermarket xenon bulbs that are even brighter. If god wanted us to see
two miles ahead of ourselves he’d have made us all eagles instead.
Piggy-backing off of bright headlights is another obvious
courtesy violation. Driving with your high beams on. Arrgg! I don’t get it!
Every car currently on the road (OK, 99.99% of every car currently on the road)
features an easy-to-find blue indicator light smack dab in the middle of
the gauge cluster, letting a fellow know at all times when his high beams are
on. Maybe future cars will be built with a looping message that says “Hey
jerk-face, your high beams are on…”
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Sneeuw1.jpg
Beef #4: Where are you going?
I’m not through with lights yet. Let me reveal perhaps my biggest
pet peeve. Not because it’s so important (although it is), but because it’s so
darn easy and yet soooo many people don’t do it. On every corner of every car,
truck, van, and SUV (not to mention semis, army Humvee's, and Fed-Ex trucks) there
is an indicator light; normally amber in the front, and either amber or red in
the rear. These indicators exist for the sole purpose or non-verbal car-to-car
communication. Instead of having to scream out my window “I’m turning right
now!” I can simply flick my steering column stalk to the right, and presto! Both
passenger side indicators (front and rear) blink in unison, until the turn is
completed or until I manually disengage the blinker function. Radical, I know.
Yet each day, I could count dozens, maybe even hundreds of fellow drivers
who ignore this extremely user-friendly safety function as they weave in and
out of lanes, enter and exit freeways, highways and byways, and generally
disregard those who share the roads with them. And in bad weather, letting each
other know what we are doing (ahead of time) is all the more important.
None of these bad driver character traits are exclusive to
winter. Certainly, I observe horrid driving habits year round. They just seem
to come out of the woodwork a bit more when snowflakes begin flying. So please,
be safe out there. Don’t go too fast, don’t go too slow, remember that your
high beams actually have an “off” switch, use your damn blinkers, and remind
yourself that this isn’t your first Minnesota winter. Unless of course it is;
in which case, watch out for that corner just up the way, it’s a little icy.
Which corner, you ask? Every corner.
-thanks for reading The Wheelspin Journal-
photo by the author
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